Calming Your Anxious Mind Page 14

  Chapter 11

  Bringing Full Attention to Life

  A central truth emerges in profound ways as you practice being present: you are not your thoughts, feelings, or sensations. No matter how intense, pleasant, or unpleasant the thought, feeling, or sensation might be, it can be observed using the mirror of mindfulness and can be seen to be changing and impermanent. This is a crucial fact to remember when you are trying to free yourself from the bonds of fear, panic, or anxiety.

  Hijacked by Desire & Ill Will

  There is intense unpleasantness in the fear reaction and its extreme form, the panic attack. Everything in you screams to get away from it. There is a deep and disturbing feeling of vulnerability and exposure. All of your physical and psychological systems are mobilized to fight or to flee. But what can you do if there is nothing to fight except the unpleasant feeling itself—as in anxiety and panic? Where can you go to get away when the unpleasant feeling is inside your own skin? What can you do when the feelings are so intense that they defeat your every effort, even those aimed at concentrating attention on the breath or a body sensation?

  As human beings, we all have developed deep and habitual reactions to moment-by-moment experience. These reactions are driven directly by the feeling of pleasantness, unpleasantness, or neutralityassociated with the experience in the moment. The reactions to this moment-by-moment feeling of pleasantness, unpleasantness, or neutrality are expressed in psychological and physical ways. The reactions themselves are simple. The tendency is to grasp or hold onto the pleasant, reject or push away the unpleasant, and “space out” or disconnect if there is no strong feeling quality (the situation feels neutral).

  For the most part, these reactions occur rapidly and out of awareness. You usually do not realize how much energy you spend trying to hang on to the pleasant feeling or trying to avoid the unpleasant one. Your energy is hijacked by desire for the pleasant, or ill will for the unpleasant. What you probably do notice is the experience of frustration, struggle, fear, or anxiety. In turn, these experiences become another set of unpleasant feelings to avoid or push away.

  The tendency toward grasping or avoiding experiences has important implications. For example, when fear, panic, or anxiety arises in all of its unpleasantness in the present moment, it is very likely that you find yourself in a familiar pattern of thoughts, feelings, and actions aimed at ridding yourself of the experience almost immediately. This reaction is driven by aversion or ill will toward what is here in this moment, and results in a desperate sense of needing to “fix” the problem or to “do something” immediately. This habitual reaction then unfolds in cognitive, emotional, and physical dimensions. The unpleasantness of the reaction feeds the feeling of needing to escape.

  Allen’s Story

  Five years ago, when he was forty-seven, Allen suffered a mild heart attack. Although he recovered well, Allen developed a strong fear that he would die from another heart attack. After a time, he began to have panic attacks.

  Since then, Allen has seen different doctors and therapists who have suggested various treatments for his panic attacks. In addition to using medication, Allen has been taught biofeedback and visual imagery. He has had some counseling. He has been in support groups. He has had some benefits from all of these, but admits there are still times when the panic returns and is stronger than his ability to manage it with the therapies he has learned.

  Allen has come to feel that the panic attacks are his enemy and that the panic is often stronger than he is. The more he reflects on this me-versus-my-panic relationship, the more depressed and hopeless he becomes. When there is a sensation of panic, Allen’s next experience is often a sense of dread and fear about what that means. Allen has become a prisoner to fear and worry about his panic, as well as to the panic itself.

  Allen has come to the place where he meets the unpleasantness of his panic attacks with intense aversion. He greatly wants to be rid of all of it. The sensations lead to thoughts and more sensations, all of which are unpleasant. Allen describes one of the low points:

  I wake in the middle of the night shaky, sweating, and afraid. Immediately I know there will be no more sleep this night and feel angry, hopeless, and depressed. I get up and sit in a comfortable chair. I try to do the visualization, then the relaxation exercises. I barely get started when the panic really gets going and distracts me. I try again, but can’t keep my mind on it. I feel very upset now, even agitated. I try listening to some relaxing music, but the panic won’t go away and I find myself feeling worse and worse. I start to get mad at myself. I start to curse kind of quietly to myself. I hate it when that happens, and I start to hate myself for not being able to handle it better. Everything seems to get worse. I sweat, my heart pounds, my mind races with scary thoughts about dying. At a time like this, I actually start to think about suicide. Maybe I ought to go ahead and die on my own terms. Sometimes I even begin to make a plan. Then I get hold of myself and remember my wife and kids, and it helps me let go of the suicide thoughts. I wouldn’t do it, really. But I just get so desperate because I can’t seem to do anything in those bad times that helps.

  Staying Present with What Is Unpleasant

  Can you relate to Allen’s struggle? When you see the elements of your life experience as the enemy because they’re unpleasant, suffering and powerlessness are almost unavoidable.

  The painful and upsetting things never seem to leave as quickly as one would like. What can be done with these stubborn and unpleasant visitors?

  Whether it is fear, panic, anxiety, physical pain, illness, or loss, there will always be something that comes along that you cannot completely cure, push away, or escape. This is where mindfulness can help you.

  Instead of fighting or trying to flee from the unpleasantness, mindfulness invites you to turn toward experience. Staying present with calm and relaxed attention, you are encouraged to investigate and connect with the experience. Freedom from suffering in the unpleasant experience comes from learning to soften and relax, and remain present and aware in the midst of it. This calls for making room inside for the experience and allowing it to unfold within the space you open.

  There is relief in the next mindful breath you take. Even one breath taken mindfully can change your relationship to the contents of your life experience in this moment. The breath can help you open to your inner capacity for spaciousness. As well as gaining immediate benefit from the change in relationship to what is here, by remaining present and seeing clearly, you have your best chance to discover any additional responses that might improve the situation.

  So far, you have been practicing mindfulness with a focus on the breath sensations and the body experience. These meditation practices have emphasized concentrating attention narrowly and discovering how mindfulness can connect you deeply with the object of attention as you hold it in focus .

  When attention wanders, the practice has been to return it gently to the breath or body sensations. When there are distractions, or simply as a way of focusing attention more sharply, you have also practiced breathing into and out of any intense distraction or body region. In this way, you have been using the actual sensations of the in and out breath to help you stay connected with the focus of your meditation and with the present moment. This helps you stay connected and work with powerful mental states like fear, anxiety, and panic.

  So, attention to breath sensations helps “anchor” you in the present moment when the habitual energy of resistance and distraction is great. By steadying your attention mindfully on the breath sensations, you open the doorway for greater awareness of all that is happening in this moment.

  And, it is important to recall that mindfulness is not only about the breath . It is possible, as you have seen, to be mindful of any experience arising before or within you. The key is to observe the experience with kind and allowing attention, and to return attention there whenever it moves away.

  In this chapter, we will explore taking a wider view in your
mindfulness practice. In essence, you are now invited to make whatever experience is most dominant or most insistent the object of mindfulness. Nothing is excluded from your kind and allowing attention. In this approach, there are no “distractions.” Whatever arises becomes the object of mindfulness. Your practice leads you to intimacy with each experience, each “distraction,” via attention and awareness.

  From this expanded perspective, life in each moment becomes deeper and richer. The practice is literally to connect with increased sensitivity to whatever presents itself.

  Opening through awareness, your recognition and understanding of habits of ill will and desire deepen. As this understanding grows, you will be able to stand firm in who you are and release the old habits of grasping or avoiding experience, and the suffering that brings.

  Letting Go of Your Agenda

  You might be asking yourself about now, “How can I stay present when the worry or the panic or the fear is so strong?” You may have had some real success in calming and relaxing the mind and body using breath awareness and body scanning, and you may not want to open to the “bad” feelings you are trying so hard to get away from. You may have been using the breath awareness or the body scan to make the anxiety or panic “go away,” and may even have thought you did on some occasions.

  If you can identify with any of these themes or variations on them, you might still be caught in the me-versus-my-problem mentality. And you are not alone! This is a very common situation, and you should know you have not done anything wrong or made any mistakes. But it is critical that you do not stay stuck in this mentality.

  If you have been trying to “use the meditation” to “make the anxiety go away,” just recognize that. It is an example of how truly powerful the habits of grasping and avoiding experience are.

  It can help to recognize how the desire to change your situation or be rid of pain, fear, or anxiety is actually driven by strong feelings of dislike for what is happening in this moment.

  Bringing mindful and gentle attention to the intense energy of dislike and aversion is a powerful shift.

  Likewise, directing kindness and compassion to yourself—in this moment, in the midst of upset—is important. Learning to find more inner space, to make room for the upset and to have compassion as you bear the pain will help release the grip of the habitual undesirable energies.

  The skills and art of meditation focus precisely on recognizing upset and aversion, on finding inner space, and on making room for experience with kindness and compassion. As you practice mindfulness daily, in different situations, formally and informally, you prepare yourself to meet increasingly challenging upsets more skillfully.

  Determination and courage are called for if you wish to transform your response to the upsets and pain life can present. Challenge yourself to look more deeply at your own experience so far. It is crucial to recognize when the urge to fix or change things is present. That urge must be made an object of mindfulness like everything else. Isn’t now a good time to do it? Can you open to your desire to change how things are, to fix things, and simply allow that urge to be, making it the object of attention ?

  In all likelihood, when you have felt any benefit from your meditation, it was because you were including nonstriving, nonjudging, acceptance, and the rest of the key attitudes in your practice. When you felt frustrated and said, “It doesn’t seem to work,” most likely you had a goal or outcome you wanted and didn’t feel it happening. You were likely striving for peace, relaxation, freedom from worry, and so on, and you were judging yourself and the meditation and probably this book in the process.

  Embracing the Entire Range of Experience

  Remember that practicing mindfulness means exploring ways to be more aware and awake in all corners of your life. It calls for recognizing the entire range of inner experience and trusting yourself to connect with, and to allow, all of these experiences. It invites a compassionate connection with the contents of your inner life and a real willingness to allow and experience each one.

  In this sense, practicing mindfulness becomes a process of growth and self-discovery supported by kindness and compassion for your own pain and distress. It is an art that you teach yourself. Give yourself permission to move at your own speed as you learn this art.

  You are invited to discover a spaciousness within that can contain the flux of experience. You can learn to apply precise, noninterfering awareness and sensitivity to each element of life experience as it arises in the present moment. As you discover the spaciousness and stillness within, you will be able to listen for the song of each experience and to recognize the lesson it has for you.

  meditation practice: choiceless awareness

  Choiceless awareness is a practice of gently opening and kindly including whatever is here in your field of attention. This practice is also sometimes called bare attention or mindfulness of the full field of awareness. It emphasizes recognizing and resting with whatever is predominant in the field of awareness in the present moment.

  The predominant thing changes after a bit and is replaced by something else. The practice is to stay relaxed and grounded in the present moment and to recognize and keep attention on whatever is here now. Doing this involves recognizing and accepting the elements in the changing flow of experience.

  Practicing choiceless awareness means literally practicing a different relationship to the elements of life experience. Instead of the usual and habitual way of fighting with, fleeing from, or identifying with what is here, everything gets equal attention. Everything gets noticed by kind awareness. The method is the spaciousness and steadiness of mindful attention.

  In this practice, bare means nonjudging, noninterfering, and allowing. Attention means mindfulness, wakefulness to what is here, awareness. Choiceless means literally that: making no choice, but instead allowing whatever is in the foreground to be the object of attention. You do not leave what is here but look more deeply, listen more fully, feel more completely, as you stay present with it.

  The instruction is simple. Establish attention in the present moment and open awareness to what is here. Then stay present in the moment, holding the changing experiences in mindfulness as they unfold and releasing them as they disappear.

  Through this practice, your ability to work with the intensity of fear, panic, and anxiety will increase. These experiences will be held more easily in the spaciousness of mindful attention. Their tendency to intrude and drive you will diminish. You can regain control of your life.

  The following guided meditation is divided into four parts. The first part is a preliminary activity to remind you about setting up the conditions for formal practice. The second part is a reminder to establish mindfulness on the breath, as you have already learned to do. The third part is a detailed instruction in opening awareness to the different senses and the experiences at each sense gate. The fourth part is a detailed guided meditation for choiceless awareness .

  The methods in the first three parts of this exercise provide a foundation. Parts 2 and 3 can be practiced as separate meditations themselves. The actual practice of choiceless awareness is to be aware, to not hold on to anything or try to make anything happen, and to simply open awareness to all that comes and goes.

  It may take some time and practice for your concentration and mindfulness to become strong enough so that you are not swept away or lost in the river of experience flowing through the senses in each moment. Grounding yourself in the foundation practices and being patient will provide the support you need, however, and soon you will become more comfortable with the choiceless awareness practice.

  guided meditation: choiceless awareness

  Part 1: Establishing the Conditions & Attitudes for Meditation

  Take your seat in a comfortable position in the place you choose for formal meditation. Make sure you have allowed enough time for practice (twenty to thirty minutes at least) and that you have minimized the risk of distractions and interruptions.

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nbsp; Spend the first few moments of your practice period remembering and reflecting on the key attitudes that form the foundation for mindfulness practice. Mindfulness is about noninterfering, allowing presence. Recall nonjudging, patience, beginner’s mind, trust, nonstriving, acceptance, and letting go. Each of these will be needed at some time or another as you practice and deepen mindfulness. Pay particular attention to any reactions you are having. Try to let them go. Let go of any agenda for changing things. Acceptance is the willingness to see things just as they are and to let them be.

  Part 2: Establishing Attention on the Breath in the Present Moment

  Practice awareness of breathing as you have learned to do. Gather and collect awareness on the sensations of the breath and the heaviness and presence of the body. Allow the belly to remain soft and relaxed. Use the technique of quietly noting or naming “in,” “out,” “space,” “touch,” and so on if it helps you sharpen your attention on breath and body. Do this long enough to feel grounded and present. Keep the focus more narrow at first, centered on breath sensation and body presence. Allow yourself to relax into what is happening. Try to feel the space around the breath sensations and the body feelings.

  Part 3: Establishing Mindfulness of All Sense Experience

  After you have established calm and focused attention through connection with breath and body, widen the focus to include any and all sounds that may be present. Allow yourself to hear as carefully as you can. If you find yourself commenting or reacting to a sound, notice that and let it go. Come back to the activity of listening directly. Allow yourself to hear the sound without commentary. Just the sound as it is. Try to notice the sound vibration as intense or soft, low or midrange or high, near or far. Listen deeply for the space between the sounds. Notice when the vibration arises, how it changes, and how it fades. If it helps to focus attention, you could note quietly, “hearing, hearing” with each sound. Try not to get stuck in thoughts about the sound. Recognize thoughts such as “that is a loud car” or “there goes my telephone again.” These are just thoughts that have taken you away from the direct experience of hearing the sound. They will happen. Praise yourself when you realize you are not simply listening and go back to that. Try to rest in the spaciousness of mindful listening. Allow the sense of spaciousness to include and hold all the sounds, and the silence itself.